My Crazy Heart is Distracting Me

I don't know what it is lately, but I'm having feelings. The kind of feelings that are hard to describe in words, especially for me since I rarely let feelings get anywhere near me (except anger and impatience - those I'm real familiar with).

What do these feelings mean??? And am I supposed to be feeling this all the time? Usually I can name it, claim it and move on. Now even my dreams are manifesting weirdness, and you know how I love my dream world!!!

I feel anxious, almost like a worry, like I've forgotten something or need to fix something. But at the same time, it's an eager anxious, not ominous. What's that about?

I have butterflies in my stomach - but I'm not nervous. It's more anticipatory. But I have no clue what I'm anticipating. It's like I'm looking forward to something all the time ... just wish I knew what it was so that when it gets here I'll know to be ecstatic.

I get short of breath - not in a physical, heart-attacky way. Its just that I have to remind myself to breath, in and out, deeply, just to stay grounded. And alive.

I'm about ready to jump out of my skin more frequently. Like my need for speed and to just get going. My fantasies about getting a motorcycle are more frequent than ever and with summer coming up ... just don't be surprised if you see me heading for the hills on a Honda Shadow or something like it.

And my crazy heart is distracting me. My concentration is at times sharper and sometimes nowhere to be found. It's like someone is trying to pry my heart open with the jaws of life to get at something that I really can't fathom is there. It races (not in the hormones-gone-awry way), and flips and sometimes just hurts from whatever internal battles are raging in there. It feels strange, not bad, but definitely not usual for me.

But I'm also the most calm, clear and happy I've been in a long time. Never content mind you (I'm always looking for what's next), but I seem to be ready for something.

Could it also be that I've opened my heart to others, when it's been closed off for so long - a protective shield built way back in my childhood, finally breaking down to let other's hearts touch mine? One of my internal voices is telling me it's emotional suicide to make myself so vulnerable to others, yet another voice is rejoicing that I'm finally making true connections with my friends - old and new.

I'm good sitting with these feelings for a while, not ready to make them go away just yet. I'd have eaten them away in the past, but those bad habits are thankfully vanquished. They make me feel hopeful, connected to something bigger, able to give more of myself to others.

And maybe, just maybe, all of my recent self-reflection is guiding me finally to learning who I am and what I want in my life and that is the most exciting thing of all!

5 Ways To Find Happiness Today

Funny - I realized in re-reading my blog posts that I rarely blog when I'm happy, just mostly when I'm overwhelmed. So I won't feel guilty about not blogging much in the last year - means I was mostly very happy. Friday is tomorrow and I thought a nice way to kick off the weekend would be to share 5 ways to get to happy!

1. Find time to get together with friends.
Nearly every weekend since before Christmas we have spent time with friends and/or family. The charge you get from spending time with people you truly like and love is an immediate happy booster. This is your open invitation to give us a holler - we'd love to see you. I think we get to spend time talking vacations with the Delano-Sprombergs Saturday night as well as celebrating J's end of basketball season with his longtime Shark team pals. I'm jazzed already!

2. Recall an achievement you made in the last 7 days and be proud.
No matter how small (if the dishes or the laundry got done at least once, that counts), accomplishments make us feel good about ourselves and give us a boost of energy and confidence that can last all day. I managed to get re-finance paperwork together for our broker AND I got our nice City inspector to sign off on our traffic control inspection for the work we're having done in our yard. She even commented that my drawings submitted with the permit app was better than most contractors. Well thank you VERY much!! Oh, and bonus for me, my dentist and dental hygienist both gave me huge kudos for flossing regularly and gave me an A+ for a beautiful set of pearly whites. See, it's the little things.

3. Recall something you learned in the last week.
Again, it doesn't have to be huge to have a beneficial impact. What's something you know now that you didn't know before? This week, I learned about excavating. I know, you can hardly contain your excitement. Me too!!!

4. Continue to work towards a goal, even if its one teeny tiny step.
Do at least one thing that will bring you one step closer to a goal you have. I think I have a date wtih Home Depot to start shopping for our house projects. Yay!!

5. Tickle your kids. And kiss your spouse/significant other/closest stranger on the street (Ok not the last one really unless you are really happy) for at least 60 seconds ... Deeply, passionately, continuously.
I cant wait for tomorrow already!!!

Have a happy Friday all!