I watched the Oscars tonight - sort of. I made dinner, too, and flipped between ABC and HGTV - salivating over super fab kitchens. I read blogs and tried to read a chapter of a book. I turned the sound off on acceptance speeches, but kept my eye on the screen. And yet I choked up so many times.
Now, I've never wanted to be an actress, nor have I ever wanted to be on the big screen. I did have a moment in theater, when I was a teenager, and it was so fun to be a part of the group, to have rehearsals, to fall in love and date the male lead (who also happened to be a real French count) and to perform in front of a crowd, although that's the part I truly don't remember. I always thought that my parents never came, but my mom said they did.
But I tear up at all the award shows, feeling sad and I generally have a little pity party for myself. I don't wish I was up there or in that industry - I tried that working with Myron a few times and I could NEVER hack it! But it's all about the passion that these people have for their craft, that they followed their dream and that they are reaping the ultimate reward for doing what they love. And that the winners are so darned happy, elated, can't even contain themselves with joy. And I've never experienced any of those emotions. As a matter of fact, when I watch all of this, I feel like I've never emoted in my whole life. I have not followed a dream - because I've not had one. I've achieved in many ways, but almost incidentally. And oddly enough, I've taken it for granted. Kinda like the saying "any club willing to have me as a member isn't worth joining" or something like that. My achievements pale in comparison to, well, just about anyone, really. There's the heroes of the day who put their life in danger to save another's, the business person who rose to top position by being smart, savvy and a good person, all of the people who do their jobs and are the very best at it and are recognized.
I just feel like a fraud. Not as smart as so many, not as talented, not as ambitious, not as passionate, not as committed, etc etc. Please don't think I'm angling for praise or reassurances - I'm not! I am at least fully aware of what I have done and that's what makes me ordinary. I know what I have done and what I have not yet done and I can't seem to get any internal motivation to achieve greatness. The thing I have to reconcile with myself is that I need to be OK being ordinary or take action otherwise ... just don't know how or what right now. So here's to all the Oscar winners - they deserve their moment for being great and I am truly happy for them.
2 comments:
Hi honey! I'm loving your blog and keeping up with you and yours is a bright spot in my overloaded weeks. I haven't had a moment to post--still don't--but this needs to be said.
Remember that the secret to life is one thing. It's different for everyone, and you need to choose your one thing. The people who are committed beyond reason to art, or a sport, even making money--anything that requires single-minded focus and determination--pursue that endeavor at the expense of everything else if they are successful. It takes a degree of selfishness to be that person, and that's the opposite of who you are. Your one thing right now is your family, and look at them! They get the best of your talents, the most of your time, and all of your love. Don't underestimate the contribution you're making, and trust that you've ordered your life according to your priorities (even if you don't realize it). There's no award show for it, but the rewards of raising a family pay off long after celebrity has passed (and their kids sell the Oscars on eBay). :)
Love you--we are thinking of you & Myron with concern, and know you'll get through these difficult times with grace.
Again, I am always amazed at how others see themselves. I describe you as my successful friend (GM, CEO, consultant, ran her own biz, dynamo). I also go on---calm, thoughtful, articulate, honest...I know you're not angling for praise but you totally rock. All these things that come so naturally to you and yet may not be very exciting to YOU is very impressive to the rest of us. ox, k
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