"Nomore-ste"

Three days. That's all it's been. Just three days! My legs hurt, my back hurts, my arms hurt, the knot in my shoulder blades is the size of Texas ... I remember now why I hate to exercise! It really doesn't feel good. I know, I know - it will. That is once I get down to a size 4, right?!? Because right now, it's horrifying.

I have to drop the kids off at summer camp at 8:15 am for swim lessons, so I figured that I had no excuse for not getting into the gym right next door for at least 30 minutes. Couldn't be that bad after all. Oh, but it can!

First I had to make it past the desk where young boy trainers think being cutesy and condescending will make me feel better. They tell inside jokes amongst each other, sing to the music when you're talking to them and then tell you you should have a fitness evaluation (which really means they want to sell their training services. Not in the budget, dudes! Sorry.)

I forgot that there are mirrors everwhere. You CANNOT escape looking at yourself, unless you look at other people and then you feel self-conscious because they'll look back at you and the whole point is to not have them look at you in your body's current state so you have no choice but to stare at yourself and the little voice you so adeptly got to finally shut up about your weight years ago (I didn't get this way overnight) is back yapping loudly in your head about your lack of self control, lack of commitment to health, how unattractive you are (and that HOT Mom comment from your 5 year old son a couple of weeks ago isn't going to make you feel better now).

I tried the elliptical. What a joke! Everyone says they love that machine. "It's great", "I hope there are machines open when I get to my gym tonight", "I can read a magazine, listen to my iPod, do my nails on that thing and still get a great workout", etc. Well, let me tell you. My thighs were barking about 45 seconds into that thing. I decided that I was doing it wrong, it couldn't possibly hurt that badly the minute I got on. But no. It is an evil machine! I went into the gym on Monday resolved to do 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I barely made it 5 minutes and took the trainer's advice and gladly went to the weights instead. I did go back on it for 5 minutes at the end of my weight segment and could barely walk yesterday and today.

But I did decide that I was going to stick with it and have been back to the gym each day of this week so far. I couldn't bear to get on the "devil machine" today so I got on the bike for some cardio and thought I was doing relatively well until an older lady got onto the bike next to me, pedaled for only 10 minutes to my 20 and when I shot a glance at her workout summary (I know - you're not supposed to do that), she'd logged a full mile more than me and burned more calories. I could have sworn she was only on level 2 and I did the random with some level 6 in there ... wha??? Arghhh!

To top things off, I signed up for yoga with a couple of girlfriends. I have never done moe than 5 yoga sessions in my life, but here I am signed up for Level 2 yoga with Juice's tap teacher who is in amazing physical shape. We signed up for her class because we like her and know her and she assured us that we could go at our own pace. I'm sure she wasn't thinking that would include a full stop of activity every 5 minutes to catch my breath, uncramp my legs and feet and wipe the torrents of sweat from my face. I missed the first 2 sessions and my friends couldn't make it tonight. I was disappointed at first - after all K convince me it would be fun AND good for me and I thought C and I would be able to have some laughs at our own expense. But it was probably a good thing that they weren't there to witness the disaster. I pondered what to wear -large baggy t-shirt that would cover the bulges but possibly flip over my head and reveal naked flesh, or the tighter workout shirt that hugged me a bit closer, would not show anything fleshy first hand but clearly delineated every bump and bulge. I opted for the tighter shirt, but again the mirrors would taunt me. I could pass for being 7 months pregnant! I sat on the mat, cross legged and almost laughed out loud ... I looked like an overflowing mass of goo. There was so much flesh and blubber around my middle that I couldn't bend over or twist, and my boobs were constantly in my own face in spite of the well-fitted sports bra I bought. The down dog is a cruel punishment for my wrists - my ankles are used to the weight but my wrists were screaming "hey you idiot, we're not meant to carry you around. Stop now!" And I did - I only could follow the teacher's moves 1/2 of the time.

At the end of the session, we did OM and say Namaste, but my whole body was crying "NoMore-ste, please!"

It's tempting to quit, but I will see this through. I seriously hope I can stick with it this time and maybe next year, I will be able to do an eagle pose or crow or pigeon even - yeah, I'd be fine with the pigeon!