"Nomore-ste"

Three days. That's all it's been. Just three days! My legs hurt, my back hurts, my arms hurt, the knot in my shoulder blades is the size of Texas ... I remember now why I hate to exercise! It really doesn't feel good. I know, I know - it will. That is once I get down to a size 4, right?!? Because right now, it's horrifying.

I have to drop the kids off at summer camp at 8:15 am for swim lessons, so I figured that I had no excuse for not getting into the gym right next door for at least 30 minutes. Couldn't be that bad after all. Oh, but it can!

First I had to make it past the desk where young boy trainers think being cutesy and condescending will make me feel better. They tell inside jokes amongst each other, sing to the music when you're talking to them and then tell you you should have a fitness evaluation (which really means they want to sell their training services. Not in the budget, dudes! Sorry.)

I forgot that there are mirrors everwhere. You CANNOT escape looking at yourself, unless you look at other people and then you feel self-conscious because they'll look back at you and the whole point is to not have them look at you in your body's current state so you have no choice but to stare at yourself and the little voice you so adeptly got to finally shut up about your weight years ago (I didn't get this way overnight) is back yapping loudly in your head about your lack of self control, lack of commitment to health, how unattractive you are (and that HOT Mom comment from your 5 year old son a couple of weeks ago isn't going to make you feel better now).

I tried the elliptical. What a joke! Everyone says they love that machine. "It's great", "I hope there are machines open when I get to my gym tonight", "I can read a magazine, listen to my iPod, do my nails on that thing and still get a great workout", etc. Well, let me tell you. My thighs were barking about 45 seconds into that thing. I decided that I was doing it wrong, it couldn't possibly hurt that badly the minute I got on. But no. It is an evil machine! I went into the gym on Monday resolved to do 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I barely made it 5 minutes and took the trainer's advice and gladly went to the weights instead. I did go back on it for 5 minutes at the end of my weight segment and could barely walk yesterday and today.

But I did decide that I was going to stick with it and have been back to the gym each day of this week so far. I couldn't bear to get on the "devil machine" today so I got on the bike for some cardio and thought I was doing relatively well until an older lady got onto the bike next to me, pedaled for only 10 minutes to my 20 and when I shot a glance at her workout summary (I know - you're not supposed to do that), she'd logged a full mile more than me and burned more calories. I could have sworn she was only on level 2 and I did the random with some level 6 in there ... wha??? Arghhh!

To top things off, I signed up for yoga with a couple of girlfriends. I have never done moe than 5 yoga sessions in my life, but here I am signed up for Level 2 yoga with Juice's tap teacher who is in amazing physical shape. We signed up for her class because we like her and know her and she assured us that we could go at our own pace. I'm sure she wasn't thinking that would include a full stop of activity every 5 minutes to catch my breath, uncramp my legs and feet and wipe the torrents of sweat from my face. I missed the first 2 sessions and my friends couldn't make it tonight. I was disappointed at first - after all K convince me it would be fun AND good for me and I thought C and I would be able to have some laughs at our own expense. But it was probably a good thing that they weren't there to witness the disaster. I pondered what to wear -large baggy t-shirt that would cover the bulges but possibly flip over my head and reveal naked flesh, or the tighter workout shirt that hugged me a bit closer, would not show anything fleshy first hand but clearly delineated every bump and bulge. I opted for the tighter shirt, but again the mirrors would taunt me. I could pass for being 7 months pregnant! I sat on the mat, cross legged and almost laughed out loud ... I looked like an overflowing mass of goo. There was so much flesh and blubber around my middle that I couldn't bend over or twist, and my boobs were constantly in my own face in spite of the well-fitted sports bra I bought. The down dog is a cruel punishment for my wrists - my ankles are used to the weight but my wrists were screaming "hey you idiot, we're not meant to carry you around. Stop now!" And I did - I only could follow the teacher's moves 1/2 of the time.

At the end of the session, we did OM and say Namaste, but my whole body was crying "NoMore-ste, please!"

It's tempting to quit, but I will see this through. I seriously hope I can stick with it this time and maybe next year, I will be able to do an eagle pose or crow or pigeon even - yeah, I'd be fine with the pigeon!

Again With The Memory

This time it's a trip down memory lane. I had lunch today with an ex employee of mine who has moved to Texas, unfortunately divorced (husband was gay), is changing jobs, has three kids (two are same ages as mine) and who still keeps in touch with a few of the old group. It was nice to see her, get caught up on what people were doing , get contact info for a few that I hopefully will remember to reach out to next month and just gab about old times and new in general. All of a sudden I did start remembering people and their names, things we did, etc.

Another of my ex employees dropped her daughter off to babysit Juice tonight while Myron's at work late and I headed off the a work dinner. We had a minute to catch up on some gossip. And I even knew what she was talking about. We made a point of exchanging good dates to get together and hopefully we'll see them in a couple of weeks. And I'll probably start remembering more.

I also had dinner with my management team at 0/8 Seafood Grill in Bellevue. Well let me tell you - I had no idea so much was happening on Friday nights. Doesn't everyone go home, eat pizza and pass out on Fridays? Apparently not - streets were full of cars, people were dressed up and listening to live music, and having fun. Right - I remember those days now, too.

So maybe it's not my memory that's the problem but a lack of time and contact with people to be remembering. I guess it's a habit. Or a lifestyle. Or it's just time to be making new memories.

Memories and Memory

This one is a really hard lesson. I am so, so sad and so mad! Somehow, we accidentally taped over Mac's Talent Show performance. I wanted to show my mom who is in town to pick up Mac for a week long summer vacation in Chelan and as I rewound the tape and played it only to see several other Talent Show acts and then Julian's tap rehearsal, I knew and I cried.

And I ranted and paced and cried more. For me, it's much more than one talent show that we somehow just won't have video tape for. It's about:

1. Knowing that my memory is truly not good. And I don't mean in a general "can't remember some details" way, but really major things I really cannot remember. Names of past boyfriends, people I worked with for several years, jobs I did, places I've visited, things I've done. Without visual or written evidence, I truly would not remember. Big events I worked on and clients I've worked with? Long gone from my mental databank. What the kids looked like or sounded like when they were younger? Not even a little. I've know this for a while, and I need to write things down, take pictures and videos so that I can preserve in some way these memories and review them, because I know that my mind will not retain it. Gone from video, gone from memory!

2. I HATE - I really mean HATE - when stupid stuff like this happens. I don't know that it was or wasn't my fault, but in general, because I am the type A, linear, routine person in our family, I am typically not the one who would rewind the tape and leave it there to be taped over accidentally. So my anger is partly directed to my spouse, who is typically the person who handles the camera tape and is known for random accidental acts and to myself because I could have done it and I'm the one who taped over it for sure because I was at Julian's tap, not him. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT!!!

3. I have been so frustrated by our camera for a while and it's not lost on me that we've spent money and time in the last week trying to figure out how to get our video off of mini DV's and onto a viewable media that we can play on our TV. But since "we" lost the cable for transfering the video to computer within 4 weeks of getting the camera nearly 9 years ago, we've NEVER been able to see our videos other than playbak on our tiny camera screen. The camera works fine and I hate waste, so it's not been a priority to get a new camera/toy. Now I wish I had upgraded and this might never have happened AND we could possibly see our videos. I still can't see them!

4. I now realize how many tapes I won't be able to find. I have a place where I put the tapes when I change them, but he doesn't. They could be anywhere! After all I often find milk in the pantry and candles in the fridge. Tapes?!? Not confident about their location at all. And now I'm unbelievably anxious to get the tapes together and know what's missing cause I will fret everyday until I know. I will feel an underlying anxiety all day, every day for weeks or months until I get finally get a handle on the facts. That's my crazy brain and I can't turn it off.

5. And I am sad and mad because Mac worked so hard and did so well and in that moment of performing for her whole school, she showed confidence and poise and talent. I wanted her to be able to remember that, to be able to go back to that moment whenever she felt nervous or lacked confidence in her ability to accomplish something difficult and be able to recall those feelings and push forward to her goals. And I was proud of her and she was proud of herself and I wanted her to know both of those things forever.

I've done the only thing I can think of right now and so I've emailed a couple of people at the school to see if they taped the show or knew of anyone who taped it. I can only hope and cross my fingers that someone, somewhere, has a tape and will share it with us.

In the meantime, this one will be so hard to get over.

I LOVE Cruising!

This is the ship I definitely want to go on! Wonder how much we are going to have to save to travel on this beast. But it is so cool. Ah......someday.......

Postcard From the Ordinary: No Supermom Here

OK - It's this kind fo media reporting and real life crap that just pushes me over the edge ... Supermom of 1 year old sextuplets runs marathon ... Do the rest of us really need that kind of pressure?

I already feel inadequate and guilty about whatever I am doing, or not. I am obviously a slacker and complainer. No sorry, I haven't run a marathon. Actually I've been paying monthly gym dues for the last 11 years but haven't set foot in one for the last 9 (the gyms have changed names twice but we have a great deal!) Six kids? Nope - have two too many on many days (I only have 2). Support system? Oh yes, Grey (Goose) and Mike (Hard Lemonade) are always near to help me through.

Latest achievements ... can't really think of any off the top of my head which is about to explode with a gajillion to do's - none of which include any good ideas about how to get myself out of this hamster wheel of work at work, work at home routine.

So good for you, Supermom! You deserve your slice of happiness pie. Just try to keep it to yourself next time.

My Admirer

I have an admirer. He is so handsome and just one look from him makes me melt. He's a bit shorter and younger, but he loves me just the way I am. And just yesterday, he climbed on the kitchen counter to sit next to me while I ate my cereal, put his arm around my shoulder, asked for a bite of my food and said "Mom, you are HOT! I love that blouse - great pattern and I like the colors, too! You are really hot!" Momentarily I thought I should vet out his TV shows more closely because I doubt that kind of language comes from his 5 yr old friends, but then again, if this is what I get, I'll take it. And I'll share my food with my adorable admirer any day.

Last Days Of School

I don't know who is more excited about these last days of school - the kids or me! No other year has been more hectic, calendar busting, task list making, or busier than this without a break and I can truly say that I am so glad summer vacation is almost here. I am trying really hard to slow down and make the most of the next 10 weeks until school starts again ... but 10 weeks seems so short when spring weather hasn't even arrived yet!

Mac has 10 full weeks of summer camps - everything from Adventuring including Geocaching to Jump Rope Camp, Hip Hop Camp, Singing/Acting Camp, Karate Camp and Cheer Camp with some POM and swimming lessons sprinkled in there. Julian's summer will be at LFPM still, but he has graduated from Pre-school and is in the same class with the 5 year olds. He will have a good experience too with some time in Chelan with the grandparents and we have 2 weeks of camping vacation planned - Silverwood, ID and Cannon Beach, OR with a side trip to Ohanapecosh (Mt Rainier).

Still, I do wish that I had summer vacation too. 10 weeks of sun and fun, no responsibilities, being with friends and just goofing off sounds divine. My kids know they have it good ... Mac says all the time that she wants to stay a kid and that she doesn't want to grow up. I always wanted to grow up faster when I was young, but she knows she's lucky and that these are the good days.

And as usual, we really want to get outside more, get together with friends and just really chill out. Will this be the year we can do that? Will this be the year that I learn how to make a really mean Cosmo? Do I have it in me to keep the to do list at bay for 10 full weeks? How many laughs with friends can I get? We need to finish painting and re-doing the bedrooms on the main floor, but could that be the only project we do - and can we do it leisurely without pressure?!? We'll see I guess.

Here's to 10 weeks of trying to relax and have fun - maybe I can take a page from my kid's book, huh!