The Worry List

I tried my best to keep this at bay, but I knew the day after Labor Day it wasn't going to be too long. The "worry list" is back and in full force. I'm not going to dwell on this - I want it all to go away - but the insidious thing about this list is that I don't purposefully make it up and it's the one that keeps playing over and over in my head. So I've decided to write it all down and get on with things, 'cause I don't want to waste my time worrying any more!

1. Merlin - he has taken a big turn for the worse this weekend. He fell down the cement stairs and is having a really hard time walking. He wouldn't get up for several hours yesterday afternoon and there's no way Myron and I can pick up this 170 lb critter and carry him in and out of the house when necessary. Lots of tears by everyone because it is obvious his back legs are not working well and won't be getting better! He's headed for the vet tomorrow to get a professional opinion on whether anything can be done to strengthen his legs and lessen the pain. And I had the very unpleasant task of having to explain to McKenna what would happen if he can't walk on his own. She was the one who didn't mince words when we talked about putting him "to sleep" - she said "You mean we have to kill him?!?" and then went histerical on me. Talk about getting your heart ripped out twice ... once by the dog and once by your daughter who loves the dog more than anything.

2. Julian - just informed me tonight that his teacher told him he couldn't go on his first skating field trip tomorrow and he was histerical. He couldn't remember why and we didn't get a note and now I'm mad at the teachers for not telling me so that I wouldn't rub it in for Juice and furthermore help re-direct whatever behavior caused this to happen. So I have to have a conversation with the teachers tomorrow and I really hate that.

3. I am not prepared for a meeting/presentation I have tomorrow in front of the Shoreline City Council. I was asked to chair the committee I am on and I just haven't had the time this weekend to go over the report or the PPT and I need to give the Council a report on finances at 8pm tomorrow night! Finances is not a topic I can really pull out of my a**. This one I need to be prepared for, so lunchtime cramming is in order for me tomorrow.

4. Work is absolutely insane for the next few weeks. All day meetings, sales calls, one huge project to supervise and travel to, projects that I was supposed to have done by my anniversary date in order to achieve my bonus that aren't done, someone quit and someone didn't come back from maternity so need to fill 2 positions (it took me nearly 6 months to find the perfect people last time), trying to get more business to fill in 2009 - it's looking too light right now, etc, etc. Lots of pressure!

5. Money - Myron's work has slowed down and we committed to a Disneyland vacation end of October. And we have 2 offers on duplexes in Everett. And Julian's tuition increased. And we have kid activities costs to pay. And the markets aren't doing very well so investments are sucking air. When is that lottery strategy going to pay off???

6. House projects - we are STILL working on Mac's room and we have to do something with Juice's room. He is still in his toddler bed touching head to toe! Our living room has been a complete disaster for months and I'm about ready to start a bonfire in the middle. Myron got super motivated to get part of the garage cleared out (we can't put the trailer in anymore and need to for the winter) so I put a bunch of stuff up on craigslist and I've had other people calling my schedule shots this weekend and now I'm behind on regular chores. Just making my weekday life so much more challenging.

7. Family time - the more things are on the to do list, the less time I have for anyone because the siren call is to get stuff off the list. And the more on the list the more gets put on the list - it's a vicious circle. So the kids get no time with me at all, ergo my ingorance about the skating thing. Can you say GUILT!?!

8. I'm overextended again so all my volunteer efforts are only getting part of my focus. SLU Chamber, City of Shoreline, Syre PTA and now PCMA ... it's all coming together at once and I'm getting nothing done 100%. And of course I have solid justification for each one and I turned down 2 other recent requests so it's not all about the NO. Just need to juggle faster for a while.

9. Health - I finally made an appointment with OB and mammogram and they asked if I'd been anywhere else to get my exams done because it's been since early 2006 that I've been in. Well ... truth be told, in 2006 I weighed a bunch less and really don't want to hear my doc talk about my weight again. Now I'm going to worry that I've put myself in jeopardy by waiting this long for my annual exams.

This is really depressing and sorry if you actually are reading this. Now I've made you feel all yucky!

The things I am grateful for:

1. This gorgeous weather. It's part of the reason for my craziness because it makes me want to accomplish as much as possible before rain comes when I won't feel like doing a thing but have to. At least now I want to get things done ... I just don't have a lot of time.

2. My kids are doing realatively well in school and like it (for the most part). They are healthy and I don't think I'm damaging them beyond repair yet.

3. We are back as season ticket holders to the 5th Ave (I know - I'm contradicting the money worry, but we bought these early in the year when things were really going well!). We saw Shrek, the Musical and it was super fun. The rest of the shows are fantastic and I can look forward to dates with my hubby every other month or so.

4. Things are fine - it's just my brain that's the issue.

I'm trying not to wish my life away, but I'm looking forward to being on the other side of this!

The Unofficial New Year

It's the second most stressful day of my year ... the first day of school. Not really for what it is, but what it signifies. It's the 2nd "New Year's Day" - the day when I expect that everything on my to do list will be done and I will have a fresh start. But just like the real deal - it never happens that way. As a matter of fact, just the opposite. So I'm back to my crazy life and nothing has changed for me.

I wish that it was my first day of school, but that I knew everything I know today. Mac started 3rd and Juice is a big Kindergartner! Next year they will both be in the same school and frankly I can't wait. Here they are with great big happy smiles on their first day - they are excited at the new adventures this year will bring and I envy their innocence and giddy excitment.

Juice is the 'poser'. I think he might actually do really well in modeling this year, but he wants to do Tae Kwon Do and basketball.

Mac can't wait to see her best friends - it's been a whole two weeks since they last saw each other after all.

So here's to childhood and their fresh starts. I won't ruin it for them with what real life will be like in 30 years or so!

Oh Where Oh Where Did It Go?

I hate to even say it out loud, but where did the summer go? I know, it's not yet the end, but it's really close. Next week we leave for our last vacation before school starts, which is only a few weeks away. We haven't done all that much this summer, but have tried to make the most of the time. We've seen friends a bit more often, tried to finish some house projects while we can still keep doors and windows open to ar out paint fumes, we finally bought outdoor chairs and an umbrella and have eaten dinners al fresco as much as possible (and as often as McKenna can stand being out there with spiders and flies).

The kids have been super busy with camps - Mac has experienced Hip Hop, Karate, Geocaching, Kayaking, Jump Rope, Cheer, Song Writing and Theater; Juice has been taking swim lessons every day for 6 weeks and is doing so well - so I know they are having a blast! And they get to stay up late watching the Olympics, so that's a big bonus!

I have been sticking with my workout plan in spite of how yucky it is to wake up early and sweat in front of other people, but I still go to the gym as often as possible. Not that it's been making all that much of a difference because we eat really terribly during the summer - hamburgers, hot dogs, etc. Whatever!

Even though this summer has been going by so quickly, it has been one of the better summers in the last several. I've been lucky enough to have been given a bit more freedom at work to make a difference in getting things done at home and that's been really great. And the kids are a bit more independent and have had their own fun, not expecting me to be the entertainer 24/7. I am really sad this is coming to an end and will be waiting for next spring/summer already.

"Nomore-ste"

Three days. That's all it's been. Just three days! My legs hurt, my back hurts, my arms hurt, the knot in my shoulder blades is the size of Texas ... I remember now why I hate to exercise! It really doesn't feel good. I know, I know - it will. That is once I get down to a size 4, right?!? Because right now, it's horrifying.

I have to drop the kids off at summer camp at 8:15 am for swim lessons, so I figured that I had no excuse for not getting into the gym right next door for at least 30 minutes. Couldn't be that bad after all. Oh, but it can!

First I had to make it past the desk where young boy trainers think being cutesy and condescending will make me feel better. They tell inside jokes amongst each other, sing to the music when you're talking to them and then tell you you should have a fitness evaluation (which really means they want to sell their training services. Not in the budget, dudes! Sorry.)

I forgot that there are mirrors everwhere. You CANNOT escape looking at yourself, unless you look at other people and then you feel self-conscious because they'll look back at you and the whole point is to not have them look at you in your body's current state so you have no choice but to stare at yourself and the little voice you so adeptly got to finally shut up about your weight years ago (I didn't get this way overnight) is back yapping loudly in your head about your lack of self control, lack of commitment to health, how unattractive you are (and that HOT Mom comment from your 5 year old son a couple of weeks ago isn't going to make you feel better now).

I tried the elliptical. What a joke! Everyone says they love that machine. "It's great", "I hope there are machines open when I get to my gym tonight", "I can read a magazine, listen to my iPod, do my nails on that thing and still get a great workout", etc. Well, let me tell you. My thighs were barking about 45 seconds into that thing. I decided that I was doing it wrong, it couldn't possibly hurt that badly the minute I got on. But no. It is an evil machine! I went into the gym on Monday resolved to do 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I barely made it 5 minutes and took the trainer's advice and gladly went to the weights instead. I did go back on it for 5 minutes at the end of my weight segment and could barely walk yesterday and today.

But I did decide that I was going to stick with it and have been back to the gym each day of this week so far. I couldn't bear to get on the "devil machine" today so I got on the bike for some cardio and thought I was doing relatively well until an older lady got onto the bike next to me, pedaled for only 10 minutes to my 20 and when I shot a glance at her workout summary (I know - you're not supposed to do that), she'd logged a full mile more than me and burned more calories. I could have sworn she was only on level 2 and I did the random with some level 6 in there ... wha??? Arghhh!

To top things off, I signed up for yoga with a couple of girlfriends. I have never done moe than 5 yoga sessions in my life, but here I am signed up for Level 2 yoga with Juice's tap teacher who is in amazing physical shape. We signed up for her class because we like her and know her and she assured us that we could go at our own pace. I'm sure she wasn't thinking that would include a full stop of activity every 5 minutes to catch my breath, uncramp my legs and feet and wipe the torrents of sweat from my face. I missed the first 2 sessions and my friends couldn't make it tonight. I was disappointed at first - after all K convince me it would be fun AND good for me and I thought C and I would be able to have some laughs at our own expense. But it was probably a good thing that they weren't there to witness the disaster. I pondered what to wear -large baggy t-shirt that would cover the bulges but possibly flip over my head and reveal naked flesh, or the tighter workout shirt that hugged me a bit closer, would not show anything fleshy first hand but clearly delineated every bump and bulge. I opted for the tighter shirt, but again the mirrors would taunt me. I could pass for being 7 months pregnant! I sat on the mat, cross legged and almost laughed out loud ... I looked like an overflowing mass of goo. There was so much flesh and blubber around my middle that I couldn't bend over or twist, and my boobs were constantly in my own face in spite of the well-fitted sports bra I bought. The down dog is a cruel punishment for my wrists - my ankles are used to the weight but my wrists were screaming "hey you idiot, we're not meant to carry you around. Stop now!" And I did - I only could follow the teacher's moves 1/2 of the time.

At the end of the session, we did OM and say Namaste, but my whole body was crying "NoMore-ste, please!"

It's tempting to quit, but I will see this through. I seriously hope I can stick with it this time and maybe next year, I will be able to do an eagle pose or crow or pigeon even - yeah, I'd be fine with the pigeon!

Again With The Memory

This time it's a trip down memory lane. I had lunch today with an ex employee of mine who has moved to Texas, unfortunately divorced (husband was gay), is changing jobs, has three kids (two are same ages as mine) and who still keeps in touch with a few of the old group. It was nice to see her, get caught up on what people were doing , get contact info for a few that I hopefully will remember to reach out to next month and just gab about old times and new in general. All of a sudden I did start remembering people and their names, things we did, etc.

Another of my ex employees dropped her daughter off to babysit Juice tonight while Myron's at work late and I headed off the a work dinner. We had a minute to catch up on some gossip. And I even knew what she was talking about. We made a point of exchanging good dates to get together and hopefully we'll see them in a couple of weeks. And I'll probably start remembering more.

I also had dinner with my management team at 0/8 Seafood Grill in Bellevue. Well let me tell you - I had no idea so much was happening on Friday nights. Doesn't everyone go home, eat pizza and pass out on Fridays? Apparently not - streets were full of cars, people were dressed up and listening to live music, and having fun. Right - I remember those days now, too.

So maybe it's not my memory that's the problem but a lack of time and contact with people to be remembering. I guess it's a habit. Or a lifestyle. Or it's just time to be making new memories.

Memories and Memory

This one is a really hard lesson. I am so, so sad and so mad! Somehow, we accidentally taped over Mac's Talent Show performance. I wanted to show my mom who is in town to pick up Mac for a week long summer vacation in Chelan and as I rewound the tape and played it only to see several other Talent Show acts and then Julian's tap rehearsal, I knew and I cried.

And I ranted and paced and cried more. For me, it's much more than one talent show that we somehow just won't have video tape for. It's about:

1. Knowing that my memory is truly not good. And I don't mean in a general "can't remember some details" way, but really major things I really cannot remember. Names of past boyfriends, people I worked with for several years, jobs I did, places I've visited, things I've done. Without visual or written evidence, I truly would not remember. Big events I worked on and clients I've worked with? Long gone from my mental databank. What the kids looked like or sounded like when they were younger? Not even a little. I've know this for a while, and I need to write things down, take pictures and videos so that I can preserve in some way these memories and review them, because I know that my mind will not retain it. Gone from video, gone from memory!

2. I HATE - I really mean HATE - when stupid stuff like this happens. I don't know that it was or wasn't my fault, but in general, because I am the type A, linear, routine person in our family, I am typically not the one who would rewind the tape and leave it there to be taped over accidentally. So my anger is partly directed to my spouse, who is typically the person who handles the camera tape and is known for random accidental acts and to myself because I could have done it and I'm the one who taped over it for sure because I was at Julian's tap, not him. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT!!!

3. I have been so frustrated by our camera for a while and it's not lost on me that we've spent money and time in the last week trying to figure out how to get our video off of mini DV's and onto a viewable media that we can play on our TV. But since "we" lost the cable for transfering the video to computer within 4 weeks of getting the camera nearly 9 years ago, we've NEVER been able to see our videos other than playbak on our tiny camera screen. The camera works fine and I hate waste, so it's not been a priority to get a new camera/toy. Now I wish I had upgraded and this might never have happened AND we could possibly see our videos. I still can't see them!

4. I now realize how many tapes I won't be able to find. I have a place where I put the tapes when I change them, but he doesn't. They could be anywhere! After all I often find milk in the pantry and candles in the fridge. Tapes?!? Not confident about their location at all. And now I'm unbelievably anxious to get the tapes together and know what's missing cause I will fret everyday until I know. I will feel an underlying anxiety all day, every day for weeks or months until I get finally get a handle on the facts. That's my crazy brain and I can't turn it off.

5. And I am sad and mad because Mac worked so hard and did so well and in that moment of performing for her whole school, she showed confidence and poise and talent. I wanted her to be able to remember that, to be able to go back to that moment whenever she felt nervous or lacked confidence in her ability to accomplish something difficult and be able to recall those feelings and push forward to her goals. And I was proud of her and she was proud of herself and I wanted her to know both of those things forever.

I've done the only thing I can think of right now and so I've emailed a couple of people at the school to see if they taped the show or knew of anyone who taped it. I can only hope and cross my fingers that someone, somewhere, has a tape and will share it with us.

In the meantime, this one will be so hard to get over.

I LOVE Cruising!

This is the ship I definitely want to go on! Wonder how much we are going to have to save to travel on this beast. But it is so cool. Ah......someday.......