Memories and Memory

This one is a really hard lesson. I am so, so sad and so mad! Somehow, we accidentally taped over Mac's Talent Show performance. I wanted to show my mom who is in town to pick up Mac for a week long summer vacation in Chelan and as I rewound the tape and played it only to see several other Talent Show acts and then Julian's tap rehearsal, I knew and I cried.

And I ranted and paced and cried more. For me, it's much more than one talent show that we somehow just won't have video tape for. It's about:

1. Knowing that my memory is truly not good. And I don't mean in a general "can't remember some details" way, but really major things I really cannot remember. Names of past boyfriends, people I worked with for several years, jobs I did, places I've visited, things I've done. Without visual or written evidence, I truly would not remember. Big events I worked on and clients I've worked with? Long gone from my mental databank. What the kids looked like or sounded like when they were younger? Not even a little. I've know this for a while, and I need to write things down, take pictures and videos so that I can preserve in some way these memories and review them, because I know that my mind will not retain it. Gone from video, gone from memory!

2. I HATE - I really mean HATE - when stupid stuff like this happens. I don't know that it was or wasn't my fault, but in general, because I am the type A, linear, routine person in our family, I am typically not the one who would rewind the tape and leave it there to be taped over accidentally. So my anger is partly directed to my spouse, who is typically the person who handles the camera tape and is known for random accidental acts and to myself because I could have done it and I'm the one who taped over it for sure because I was at Julian's tap, not him. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT!!!

3. I have been so frustrated by our camera for a while and it's not lost on me that we've spent money and time in the last week trying to figure out how to get our video off of mini DV's and onto a viewable media that we can play on our TV. But since "we" lost the cable for transfering the video to computer within 4 weeks of getting the camera nearly 9 years ago, we've NEVER been able to see our videos other than playbak on our tiny camera screen. The camera works fine and I hate waste, so it's not been a priority to get a new camera/toy. Now I wish I had upgraded and this might never have happened AND we could possibly see our videos. I still can't see them!

4. I now realize how many tapes I won't be able to find. I have a place where I put the tapes when I change them, but he doesn't. They could be anywhere! After all I often find milk in the pantry and candles in the fridge. Tapes?!? Not confident about their location at all. And now I'm unbelievably anxious to get the tapes together and know what's missing cause I will fret everyday until I know. I will feel an underlying anxiety all day, every day for weeks or months until I get finally get a handle on the facts. That's my crazy brain and I can't turn it off.

5. And I am sad and mad because Mac worked so hard and did so well and in that moment of performing for her whole school, she showed confidence and poise and talent. I wanted her to be able to remember that, to be able to go back to that moment whenever she felt nervous or lacked confidence in her ability to accomplish something difficult and be able to recall those feelings and push forward to her goals. And I was proud of her and she was proud of herself and I wanted her to know both of those things forever.

I've done the only thing I can think of right now and so I've emailed a couple of people at the school to see if they taped the show or knew of anyone who taped it. I can only hope and cross my fingers that someone, somewhere, has a tape and will share it with us.

In the meantime, this one will be so hard to get over.