My Crazy Heart is Distracting Me

I don't know what it is lately, but I'm having feelings. The kind of feelings that are hard to describe in words, especially for me since I rarely let feelings get anywhere near me (except anger and impatience - those I'm real familiar with).

What do these feelings mean??? And am I supposed to be feeling this all the time? Usually I can name it, claim it and move on. Now even my dreams are manifesting weirdness, and you know how I love my dream world!!!

I feel anxious, almost like a worry, like I've forgotten something or need to fix something. But at the same time, it's an eager anxious, not ominous. What's that about?

I have butterflies in my stomach - but I'm not nervous. It's more anticipatory. But I have no clue what I'm anticipating. It's like I'm looking forward to something all the time ... just wish I knew what it was so that when it gets here I'll know to be ecstatic.

I get short of breath - not in a physical, heart-attacky way. Its just that I have to remind myself to breath, in and out, deeply, just to stay grounded. And alive.

I'm about ready to jump out of my skin more frequently. Like my need for speed and to just get going. My fantasies about getting a motorcycle are more frequent than ever and with summer coming up ... just don't be surprised if you see me heading for the hills on a Honda Shadow or something like it.

And my crazy heart is distracting me. My concentration is at times sharper and sometimes nowhere to be found. It's like someone is trying to pry my heart open with the jaws of life to get at something that I really can't fathom is there. It races (not in the hormones-gone-awry way), and flips and sometimes just hurts from whatever internal battles are raging in there. It feels strange, not bad, but definitely not usual for me.

But I'm also the most calm, clear and happy I've been in a long time. Never content mind you (I'm always looking for what's next), but I seem to be ready for something.

Could it also be that I've opened my heart to others, when it's been closed off for so long - a protective shield built way back in my childhood, finally breaking down to let other's hearts touch mine? One of my internal voices is telling me it's emotional suicide to make myself so vulnerable to others, yet another voice is rejoicing that I'm finally making true connections with my friends - old and new.

I'm good sitting with these feelings for a while, not ready to make them go away just yet. I'd have eaten them away in the past, but those bad habits are thankfully vanquished. They make me feel hopeful, connected to something bigger, able to give more of myself to others.

And maybe, just maybe, all of my recent self-reflection is guiding me finally to learning who I am and what I want in my life and that is the most exciting thing of all!