Hard to Talk About

I drove Mac to Leavenworth to pass her off to my parents for a few days of Spring Break in Chelan. McKenna and my Mom are two peas in a pod ... they get along, understand each other, can co-exist so easily. It's been that way since Mac was born. It's such a strong bond, such a unique relationship; many can't quiet understand it. I'm awed by it and happy that Mac has such a person in her life. She's always happy to be there - she always has lots of fun and has lots of terrific adventures!

But every time I drop her off and have to leave her, we both fight back tears. She tries so hard to be brave - she doesn't want to make her grandma feel bad. I'm always so proud of her, but as soon as we drive off in opposite directions, I miss her terribly.

Today, on the three hour drive to Leavenworth, we talked a little, but mostly listened to Alvin and the Chipmunks CD. At some point, I asked her why she was so quiet (the usual state in our family, especially during trips) and asked if she'd rather we talked more and she said "yes". Well, for anyone else, that might be great to hear from your daughter. For me however, not the easiest thing. See, I'm not much of a talker and it's really hard for me to chit chat - even with my kids. So even at her request, I couldn't come up with anything to say. And the less I said, the more pressure I put on myself and then guilt set in. I was now officially the worst mother in the world!

I can talk to groups of hundreds of people, lead discussions with dozens, but one-on-one - that's where I crumble. I am generally of the opinion that no one is really interested in my opinion or my ideas or my thoughts. Most of the time, I have no egoic need to have the first or the last word, or to say what I think. I like to get info. I'm more apt to ask questions than to answer them. I'm interested, but not all that interesting. So I am really out of practice when it comes to originating conversations. But I NEED to figure out how to talk to my kids. I can live the rest of my life without having to become an expert at chatting with strangers, but I don't consider that an option when it comes to my babies. They need me and they need to learn how to connect with others via verbal communication. They need great role models and I want to be one of them.

So on the three hour trip back from Leavenworth, I wracked my brain on what I could do and how we could become a family of talkers and ... I'm stumped! So I'll be on a mission to find resources and ask questions of others - as I always do! I hope it's not too late.

In the meantime, I'll count the days and hours til I get to pick up my sweet girl on Thursday.