Make it Stop!

It started the week before last. A slow spin, then it caught more speed, spinning and spinning and finally today I really felt completely out of control. Does this ever happen to you? You have so much to do, but the more you have and put on the to do list your mind starts spitting out more and more things you need to do, and it happens especially when you can't write things down like on the drive home, in the store, at your kid's basketball practice. Well, I'm there! The tape recorder is winding and re-winding. I'm trying to keep up, but can't seem to make it stop.

Work issues are usually what start it off and I have plenty of those. Staffing issues, big projects that need to be started and finished, a long list of things I need to do to make improvements but my day to day preempts me from moving forward on most of those. I spent much of the evening air talking to one of my staff members, talking myself through scenario after scenario, getting upset with the invisible person next to me, trying to write notes on whatever I had handy so as not to lose key points or connecting thoughts or trails of facts.

But as if that wasn't enough, the household stuff jumps into the fray and now I have months and months of tasks begging for attention in my brain. The flowers outside need to be dead-headed (that was supposed to happen in November!), the pile of papers and other odds and ends in the boxes in the corner of our bedroom must be handled, mid-winter break projects need to be planned for and who is going to be where and when for the next 6 months seems to be a jumbled mess in my head.

These are the times when I most need a break - a sabbatical, time for myself, uniterrupted. But I soldier on, work through the confusion, write down as much as possible so I don't forget and try to forgive myself if something does fall through the cracks. I've been sick since January 1st and have yet to find time to call, let alone see, a doctor. My foot is killing me, but stop for an appointment? Sorry - no time.

I know the rhetoric ... take care of yourself so you can take care of everyone else. Put yourself first. Health is the most important - take care of that first. All well and good, but not as easy to implement. So for now tomorrow is another day and I will attempt to quiet the noise in my head and just get things done.

Monday, Monday

I have the Monday blues. I have had the Monday blues ever since I started working for others. I never had these feelings when I worked for myself at INternational SITES. And I don't know anyone who works for themselves to have the blues, at least not often.

What is it about having to "go to work" that is so depressing?

For me, it's the lack of control over the schedule, having to be sitting in an office for a determined number of hours rather than able to control my schedule and how I operate daily. It's turning over control of my time to so many others. It's about having others controlling my actions most of the day, every day. I do stuff for employees, clients, bosses - nothing I do is for me. It doesn't nourish my soul, and most of the time, doesn't challenge my brain. It's just so unproductive for my taste. Ughhhh!

What I want is a paid sabbatical or to win the lottery (yes, I do play). I've been working non-stop since I was 17 years old (that's 27 years for those of you counting). I took only very brief leaves of absence with each of my two kids and only my full vacation times in the last few years and the word 'tired' is quite appropriate. So queue the dream ripple and let's take a walk down the dreamy path of "what if" ...

What if I had the freedom of time and money?! What would be my ultimate lifestyle?

I'd take time to get my house in order - organizing, cleaning out, increasing the efficiency and fun factor in our house. I'd start our main living space remodel and get a working stovetop and replace my easy bake oven.
I'd have my kids home right after school, spending more time with them and getting more involved in their lives (arrange more playdates, and yes, getting involved in the PTA and/or School District).
I'd spend more time with my hubbie, acting on some of our dreams to get projects into production and just plain connect more with each other - something that gets tested and challenged and squeezed out by the fact of having little kids to tend to .
I'd really get Dosha Group off the ground, too. Services for all small business owners who need help to live their visions and their own ultimate lifestyle. I'd be able to follow up on some of those great leads I already have and help others in a really meaningful way.
I'd travel with my family. I had the tremendous advantage when I was younger to have two parents working in the airline industry when perks were really worth it. I grew up in Switzerland and we travelled to so many wonderful places - China, Hong Kong, Phillipines, India, all over Europe and many US States, and I got an incredible education in global awareness during these travels. I want the same for my kids - there's really nothing like experiencing first hand the beauty and wonder of other countries. Ours is great, but the world has so much to offer!
I'd try to find a way to make a living from vacationing. It's really my favorite thing to do!
I'd pick up a hobby - something creative, most likely something to do with pictures and video.
I'd definitely spend more time with friends! My spirit aches for lack of real connection with my friends and I haven't been able to give any time to creating new connections.
I'd learn many things. I'd take classes from as many places as I could find, on so many subjects that I've wanted to learn about.
I'd have really fun and possibly helpful things to blog about, cause I'd spend at least an hour a day finding those perfect nuggets of knowledge to pass on.
I'd become more technologically savvy - finding a way to use all the gadgets we own and make the most out of them.
And I'd workout every day. This one may have to be moved to the very top of the list - and it can't wait until I have more time or money ... If I don't do something soon, I know I will spend precious time regretting that I didn't start sooner. Focus on health would be a very top priority.

I'm sure I can find lots more to do, but these would most definitely make the list.

But back to reality and here I am, blogging and watching the 11 o'clock news, a pile of laundry on my bed and on the dining room table and the reminder that I have lots of big projects, deadlines and responsiblities sitting on my desk when I hit the office tomorrow morning.

I know I've opened the door to what I need to do and I will .. when I'm ready to make that leap. Until then, I'll have a few more bluesy Sundays to deal with.