From where I stand, we're glossing over Thanksgiving and going straight for the big daddy of all commercial holidays. Don't get me wrong, I do love the Holidays, but this year particularly, I need some time to be thankful. Actually, I need time to figure out how to be really truly thankful, to have that genuine gratitude, to know into the depths of my soul that I have it good.
But that is the problem. I can say out loud or to myself that I'm thankful for so much, but there is little feeling attached. There is little feeling attached to anything. I now live mainly in my head and not in my heart. I don't know when or how it happened, but little by little, day by day, I've managed to take the feeling out of life. No high highs, no low lows. And people who know me would probably agree - I am very "even-keeled", predictable, balanced.
You're possibly thinking that I need a shrink, but I've never had any good experiences with any of that type of professional. An undergrad degree in psych cured me of any romanticized ideas I may have had about that. Have you ever felt that if you start something even a little that you might not ever be able to stop it? That's the way I feel about my feelings. If I let a little through, the floodgates will be open and I will waste a lot of time being sad or angry and what I really want is to feel happy and excited about things.
So this season, I'd really like to figure out not what to be thankful for (I can name family, friends, dog, health, etc), but how to be grateful and maybe I'll start down that other scary but worthwhile path - living with feeling.
I wish for you a life full of feeling, things to be grateful for and a great Thanksgiving!
PS. I am really truly grateful for my friends who did read the blog and actually have been so incredibly supportive. Thank you thank you thank you!!
